Cinemavenger

   The funniest, nastiest movie reviews anywhere.

Wrath of Man

A few years ago, some random chick at a bar turned me on to Rick and Morty, and I love the absolute shit out of that show despite the current season being as uneven as the haircut I once got from a blind man. So, while I usually don't take unsolicited advice from barflies too seriously, when a guy at a bar the other day practically promised to suck my dick if I'd review Wrath of Man, I gave him the benefit of the doubt.

Now that I've watched this double-decker crap sandwich, I realize what I should've given him was a swift kick in the nuts. Wrath of Man stars Jason "Vorhees" Statham and was written and directed by Guy "Buddy" Ritchie. I still groove on their first team up, Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels, so I had fairly high hopes for their new jawn. I am, it turns out, more than a little too eternally optimistic for my own good.

Statham plays a guy referred to for most of the movie as "H." It goes without saying that H is a badass, so the fun of the film, if there were any, which there ain't, is figuring out why this badass is being so badass as a brand new armored car guard. It's not that the story doesn't try to explain that key fact; it's just that it does it so badly that you'd have to watch this thing at least twice, read articles about it online, and consult some rune stones to have any idea what the actual answer is.

H is out for revenge. That much is obvious even before the movie admits it. The pivotal moment that set him on his path of purgation, however, couldn't make less sense if it were told as performance art in Klingon. The "reveal" of a key player in the motivating death will only surprise people too busy either giving or getting head to have watched even five minutes of this thing. And good for them for making monumentally better use of their time.

It's great to see my boy Jeffrey "Mellow Fellow" Donovan from Burn Notice getting some work, but even he can only do so much in a supporting role with less meat on it than 1996 Kate Moss.

A documentary about the science of running called Math of Ran would score more thrills than this clitty litter.

July 30, 2021