Venom: Let There Be Carnage
This is why we can't have nice things. Because the fucknoggins outnumber the rest of us by a margin far wider than your mom's gargantuan gash. 2018's Venom was so shitty it wasn't even worth the ones and zeroes it was made of. And yet, a sea of drooling douchebags decided to throw cash at it like it was a stripper with a "Backdoor Friends are the Best" tramp stamp.
With very, very few exceptions, sequels are never as good as the original, and Venom: Let There Be Carnage is no exception. If the first one blew like a two-year-old spitting all over his birthday cake trying to get the candles to go out, this one blows like a dicknado. Yes, like a tornado that levelled a sex toy warehouse and is now dick-slapping people to death with 90mph dildos to the head and neck.
In the very . . . first . . . scene, set in a reform school back in 1996, the young adult actor playing the teenage version of future serial killer Cletus Kasady lip-syncs dialogue spoken by Woody "And Buzz" Harrelson, who plays the adult version of the character. It's bizarrely laughable. It makes no sense. It's totally unnecessary. But at least it lets you know immediately how deep into the cesspool you're headed.
For everyone who isn't a total nerd, Venom is an alien symbiote that has bonded with a journalist named Eddie Brock. When Venom is inside Eddie, Eddie looks like Tom "And Jerry" Hardy. When Venom "comes out," he looks like a big, black musclehead with a mouth full of fangs, and he can change shape to make tentacles and other protrusions.
If talking about Venom being inside Eddie, Venom coming out, and various protrusions sounds kind of gay to you, that's no fucking accident. Instead of doing anything remotely exciting with Venom's powers, like fighting crime, investigating mysteries, or hosting a sick-ass gangbang, Eddie and Venom spend most of Let There Be Carnage bickering with each other like two homosexuals in desperate need of couple's counseling.
When they finally do fight Cletus/Carnage, Carnage tells Eddie/Venom that he's going to kill someone Eddie loves right in front of him . . . and then proceeds to take that person with him as he climbs to the top of a church completely out of Eddie/Venom's view.
Where's the fucking antivenom for this franchise?
December 17, 2021