Cinemavenger

   The funniest, nastiest movie reviews anywhere.

The Wandering Earth

Know your enemy.  Stroll in his sandals.  Drink his milkshake.  Fuck his woman.

Forget Russia, North Korea, and even our own Politicorporate Ruling Class.  The biggest threat to America is still China.  They have the numbers.  Their government rules with an iron first, which while totally not copacetic, gets fucking results.

That's why this week's review is of one of the most successful movies in China filmmaking history.  Well, that and the fact that there was less chance of an American studio opening anything major this close to Endgame than of David Duke teaching Diversity 101 at Howard.

The Wandering Earth has grossed over $700M.  That's Marvel-sized money.  It's on Netflix, although you'll have to search for it because Netflix seems to want to publicize it as much as a herpes diagnosis.  It's a macro-budget, sci-fi disaster flick that mostly cribs from Armageddon and Independence Day with some Snowpiercer thrown in for good measure.

The Sun is finally dying, and when it does it'll take Earth with it.  The United Earth Government's solution is straight outta Looney Tunes:  slap 10,000 rockets onto the Earth to turn it into the biggest houseboat ever and drive it on over to a new solar system.  Yes, that plan is so preposterous that even a three-year-old would have you tossed out of the room for pitching it, but here The Wandering Earth is, and it's making mad bank.

And why not?  It might as well be called Chinageddon or Snow Pea Piercer.  It's as big, loud, and terminally stupid as any Michael Bay explode-o-rama.  It sports the same hammer-to-the-head martial music, the same crepe paper-thin characters, and the same amount of logic, about as much as you could fit in a flea's peehole.

For example, the Sun's not supposed to die for another seven billion years.  So why is all the tech on display stuff you can find today?  We were promised hoverboards!

Hey The Wandering Earth.  Pick one from Column A, one from Column B, and go thoroughly fuck yourself.

May 10, 2019