Cinemavenger

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The Tomorrow War

Because this is a movie driven by time travel, we're going way back for this pop culture reference. I'll gladly pay you Tuesday not to have watched The Tomorrow War last weekend. That's a 1930s Wimpy-from-Popeye riff fo' yo' ass, and it's funnier and more creative than anything you'll find in the shitwittery that is Amazon's latest attempt to be a real movie studio.

Holy fuck does this thing suck! Exactly two things work in this unlubed alien anal probe of a flick. The first is J.K. "Parker!" Simmons, who is almost always the best thing in whatever he's in. For some reason he either got jacked for the role of the hero's estranged father, or he's always been jacked and we just never noticed, but either way he's all that, a bag of chips, six bee's knees, and Fritz's pajamas. He's as badass as he is hilarious.

The second thing that works is Yvonne "Craig" Strahovski. Watching her, you can totally tell she knows she's neck deep in the bulliest of shit, but she still gives it her all in every scene. Plus she's so fucking beautiful it's almost hard to believe (which is the only thing that's only almost hard when she's around).

The usually likeable and enjoyable Chris "John 3:16" Pratt plays a special ops soldier turned high school biology teacher named Dan Forester, after the Subaru (I mean, probably). The movie introduces him as a character with obvious anger issues . . . and then drops that personality trait entirely so that he can do his standard goofy Chris Pratt thing. Mr. Compact SUV gets drafted and sent to the future to help fight an alien invasion.

You read that right. In the future, humans are getting their asses kicked by aliens and have developed time travel. The best plan the humans can come up with is to use time travel to conscript humans from the past to help fight a war they can't possibly win in the future. You know, instead of using it to help the past humans prepare for the aliens in the first place and snuff those bitches out when they first show up.

You can also add The Tomorrow War to the rapidly growing list of movies that seem like they were mixed by a deaf person. The action scenes are loud enough to blow your speakers, but the dialogue is basically whispered. Brav-fucking-o.

July 9, 2021