Cinemavenger

   The funniest, nastiest movie reviews anywhere.

The Shape of Water

When it comes to sex, you don't need the Internet to know that there are some profoundly sick fuckers out there - although it does confirm it.  Pretty much anything you can think of gets some weirdo off.  Being pooped on.  Fat chicks smoking cigars.  Queefs.  The sound of bubble wrap popping.  A Hillary and George Clinton three-way.  There are (probably) even some reprobates who get warm loins at the thought of a woman getting it on with a sea monster.  Have I got a flick for those sickos.

The Shape of Water might as well have been called Debbie Does the Creature from the Black Lagoon.  They can tart it up all they want to look like a period piece fairy tale.  They can pretend it's about longing, loneliness and love.  But they can't fool ol' Cinemavenger.  The Shape of Water is nothing more than Skinemax-style chick-on-fish-dick porn.

It's 1961 Baltimore, although with virtually the entire movie taking place inside it could be fucking Scotland but for the accents.  Bathtub masturbation fan and mute, Elisa (Sally "Sadie" Hawkins), works as a cleaning lady at the least secure government lab in the world.  Security is so lax, in fact, that the mop-pushing piss-wiper Elisa not only knows about the super secret bipedal merdude ("Dig" Doug Jones) stashed there; she's able to eat lunch with it, play music to it, become its girlfriend and, ultimately, sneak it out and hide it in her neighbor's bathtub - presumably because she needs to keep her tub free for frantic bouts of bean-flicking.

Elisa's neighbor, Giles (Richard "Patty" Jenkins), is gay and an alcoholic.  Because 2017.  Elisa's friend and coworker, Zelda (Octavia Spencer "For Hire"), is an African American prejudice-sufferer and sassy husband bad-mouther.  Also because 2017.  The Fed hunting the escaped aquaguy, Strickland (Michael Shannon "Elizabeth"), is a racist, sexist, ableist jingoist.  Because 1961 and 2017.

I'd bet all the prawns in Persia that The Shape of Water started off as an origin story for Abe Sapien from Hellboy.  Director Guillermo "Pacific Rimjob" del Toro directed both Hellboy movies, and The Shape of Water's fishman could be Sapien's long lost twin brother. 

Del Toro has never met an oddball, fantasy romance he didn't jizz all over.  How else would this Hallmark movie about fish fucking ever get green-lit let alone made?  Next up for del Toro:  So I Married a Yeti.

December 22, 2017