Cinemavenger

   The funniest, nastiest movie reviews anywhere.

The Predator

If Xmas was a woman, she'd be bound and ball-gagged in a gimp suit in Shane "Back In" Black's secret sex dungeon. Black has such a Rockefeller Center Tree-sized hard-on for all things Xmas that he has set virtually every one of his movies within a week or two of December 25th.  With The Predator, Black branched out and went with Halloween instead of Yule.  Seeing how fucktrocious the results are, here's hoping his next film is all Santa Claus and snowball fights.

The Predator series stretches back to the misty days of 1987.  The first film, Predator, featured Ahnuld and was actually pretty awesome.  Of course, it was 1987, and people were way more easily entertained back in the pre-Internet days.  The sequel, Predator 2, starred Danny "Fits Like A" Glover and was also pretty sweet, in a cheesy, over-the-top 90s way.  20 years went by before the sport-hunting space aliens made their way back to the screen in Predators, which couldn't touch its predecessors quality-wise but wasn't a total fustercluck. 

It's no secret that Cinemavenger has a bit of man crush on Shane Black.  Black wrote the first two Lethal Weapon flicks, The Long Kiss Goodnight, and Kiss Kiss Bang Bang, four of my all-time favorites.  But there is no cow too sacred to avoid the hamburger bun, and with The Predator Black has made the worst Predator flick by a light year.  First Iron Man 3, and now this? Shane!  Come back!

Are there some patented, hilarious, Shane Black tough guy one-liners?  Sure.  Are these some clever callbacks to the best lines - including a new version of "You're one ugly motherfucker!" - from the 1987 original?  Yup.  Is there also a story that can't even keep the Predators' motivations straight, Predator bloodhounds that decide to team up with the humans their master is hunting, and a criminally missed opportunity to show off Olivia "Meh" Munn's camisole cupcakes?  You bet your pimply ass.

Get to da choppah!  Or da grocery store.  Or da swimming pool.  Anywhere but to The Predator.

September 14, 2018