Cinemavenger

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The Huntsman: Winter's War

Do you remember back in 2012 when you couldn't swing a dead Twilight fan without hitting someone who just LOVED Snow White and the Huntsman?  Yeah, me neither.  In fact, the only memorable thing about the flick was that its star, Kristen "Bi Bi Baby" Stewart got caught fucking her very married director, Rupert "Colonel" Sanders.

That led to Stewart and Sanders getting tossed like dwarves from the most unnecessary and unwanted sequel since Breakin' 2 - Electric Boogaloo.  Because why the fuck on Earth would you need Snow White in a Snow White movie?  Lucas didn't hesitate to leave Luke Skywalker out of The Empire Strikes Back, and Cameron didn't think twice about benching Ellen Ripley in Aliens.

Oh wait.  Those things didn't happen.  Because they would have made as much sense as BYU accusing rape victims of "honor code" violations - like having premarital sex.  Are you fucking kidding me, Mormons?!

So, The Huntsman: Winter's War takes place both before and after Snow White and the Huntsman in the same universe as the first movie and is focused on Eric the Huntsman (Chris "Panty Dropper" Hemsworth) retrieving the stolen Magic Mirror for the utterly absent Queen Snow White.  The only excuse anyone makes for Snow White not bothering to show up for her own movie is the seemingly-code-for-lady-problems, "She's unwell."

Eric's gots to have him a pretty bit o' trim to handle his ax, and with Snow White apparently suffering a period to rival The Shining elevator doors scene, his fellow Huntsman (Huntswoman?  Huntschick?) and badass archer, Sara (Jessica "Fire Crotch" Chastain), has to shoulder the load, so to speak.  Ravenna (Charlize "Angels" Theron), the Wicked Witch from the first movie, flies the coop for most of this one, so bitter bitch duties fall to her sister, the Ice Queen Freya (Emily "Philly" Blunt).

The Huntsman: Winter's War is basically a fantasy movie Mad Lib, and director Cedric "Not The Entertainer" Nicolas-Troyan filled in the blanks exclusively with stuff stolen from better stories. 

Freya is Elsa from Frozen right down to the ice powers, the sister issues and the fabulous wardrobe.  Sara is Merida from Brave plus some sopping pussy puns and near nudity.  The dwarves (the heads of Nick "Cornetto" Frost, Rob "Gangsta Granny" Brydon, Sheridan "Black" Smith and Alexandra "Cock" Roach CGI'd onto wee little bodies) are the po' country cousins of Gimli and the hobbits from The Lord of the Rings.  There's ice wall climbing and a hot springs sex scene straight outta Westeros from Game of Thrones.  Freya rides a giant polar bear Narnia-style. The fairies even look shitdiculously like tiny Gollums.

Mirror, mirror . . . suck my balls.

April 24, 2016