Cinemavenger
The funniest, nastiest movie reviews anywhere.
The Hitman's Wife's Bodyguard
Let me get this straight. You make an astoundingly average movie about a bodyguard (Ryan Reynolds "Wrap") forced to guard a hitman (Samuel L. "Motherfucker" Jackson), and you call it The Hitman's Bodyguard. Then, four years later, you make a sequel to that movie and call it The Hitman's Wife's Bodyguard even though it doesn't involve the bodyguard guarding the hitman's wife (Salma "Kayak" Hayek) for one goddamn minute.
Instead, the sequel is more of the same, meaning that it's all about the hate-hate (ok, begrudging respect-hate) relationship between Reynolds' Michael and Jackson's Darius. The only new bit is a heavy dose of the bodyguard doubting himself and needing the hitman to save his ass time after time. How the fuck on Earth do you not call that follow-up The Bodyguard's Hitman?!
Sure, audiences (poor bastards) get a bigger helping of Hayek's feisty Latina spouting every curse word imaginable in multiple languages and combinations, but otherwise its the same flick again minus the tiny bit of title-related plot and lower-than-Biden's-approval-rating stakes.
Fuck that noise! Literally. The Hitman's Wife's Bodyguard is one of the loudest movies you'll ever see and/or be deafened by. Virtually every line of dialogue is shouted like the actors were in the mosh pit at a blackened death metal show. When they aren't screaming at each other, the gunfire, explosions, and car crashes are dialed up to 11. This fucking thing should come with earplugs.
In the first movie, Michael had to keep Darius alive so that he could testify against a dictator for crimes against humanity. In the sequel, Michael, who's going through an existential crisis because he didn't actually get his bodyguard certification back - like the end of the first movie promised he would, isn't really guarding anyone. He and Darius and Sonia (Hayek) are forced to help Interpol take down generic bad guy Aristotle Papdopolous (Antonio "Playing In The" Banderas) before he can use the Internet to blow up Europe. Because that's how the Internet works, right?
Having Morgan "Sesame Street Alum" Freeman play Reynolds' (step) dad is about the only thing that even approaches humor in this alleged comedy, and even The Great Narrator himself can't save this floating tire fire of a flick.
You'd rather get two in the back of the head than waste 100 minutes on this Murder, They Bloat.
August 27, 2021