Cinemavenger
The funniest, nastiest movie reviews anywhere.
The Flash
Try this for sighs. DC has been chasing Marvel for a full 10 years now. During that time, DC has released 15 movies, and every single one of them - other than 2017's Wonder Woman - has sucked smelly hobo balls. Sure, some, like Wonder Woman 1984 and Black Adam, took smelly hobo ball-sucking to a whole new level, but you'd definitely still kick the rest of 'em out of bed for a lot less than eating crackers.
It's gotten so bad that hating on DC is now a reflex. It's "guilty until proven innocent" and rightly fucking so. DC's latest, The Flash, had way more skeptics than believers before it ever hit a screen. It didn't help that prior to the movie's release its star, Ezra "Barney" Miller, became a worse PR disaster than the Hindenburg was for the hydrogen industry. Multiple run-ins with the law and a general sense of self-entitled prickiness will do that.
It seems like everyone hates this flick, and it's being called the biggest superhero movie bomb of all time. Which makes no fucking sense to me because I can say with the straightest of faces that The Flash is actually better than almost every other DC movie over the past decade. And no, that's not a very long typo.
Don't get it twisted. The Flash isn't good. Or particularly interesting. Or very funny. And it breaks no new cinematic ground. Plus it's about three years too late to the multiverse party. It puts a baby into an unplugged microwave during a rescue scene only to have the microwave go "ding" at the end implying that the baby got nuked like leftover pizza. It has Batman tell the Flash not to let tragedy define him. Pot meet fucking kettle, anyone? And the moral of its story seems to be, "You can't use time travel to change the past . . . except maybe a little bit if you really want to." Come the fuck on!
Because comic book writers figured out years ago that a character whose only power is running really fast is really fucking boring, the Flash can now vibrate his way through walls and travel through time. Which leads to "main" Flash meeting up with his 18-year-old self. Trust me when I say that two Ezra Millers is way worse than one.
Flash! Nuh-uh!
August 25, 2023