Cinemavenger

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The Batman

If nothing else, The Batman proves that every generation does, in fact, get the Batman it deserves. Or at least the one that matches that generation's particular fuckadillos. The Adam "Go" West TV series from the 1960s was all goofy criminals, Batusis, and comic book "Oofs!" Michael "Buster" Keaton's movies in the late 80s and early 90s blended a dark, gothic vibe with pure 80s style over substance.

Joel "Maker of Shoes" Schumacher's mid-to-late 90s Batflicks echoed the kitsch of the 60s series, and were as useless as nipples on a Batsuit. In the Aughts and early 2010s, the Chrises (Nolan and Bale) gave us a grittier, more real world Batman. The Twenty-Teens spat Batfleck in our faces, and he was as confused and forgettable as that decade. 

Now, director and co-writer Matt "Cloverfield" Reeves and Robert "Twilight" Pattinson have delivered a mopey, monotone, monochrome Batman that perfectly reflects the bizarre blend of entitlement and wokeness, self-seriousness and fucktardedness that the current generation - even before Covid - wears on its sleeve like a meaningless participation award.

This time around, Bruce Wayne is only two years into playing caped crusader. As Batman, he's a masked vigilante, but he also works openly with the police as he contaminates crime scene after crime scene. When the mayor and other political elites start turning up deader than Bruce's parents, Gotham finds out that it has another colorful killer on its hands, the Riddler (Paul "Book 'Em" Dano). 

As the World's Greatest Detective stumbles slowly from clue to clue, he enlists the help of a waitress/thief, Selina Kyle aka Catwoman (Zoe "Don't Know Better" Kravitz), and crosses paths with the Penguin (Colin "Will" Ferrell). The nearly constant rain, the villain wanting to punish as he preaches, and the occasional, weary Bats voiceover do not make The Batman film noir. They just prove that Reeves still has a painful hardon for Se7en.

Pattinson has shown that he can actually act, and he's not bad here, but his Bruce and Batman are one-note and bland as fuck. Nothing in this flick made me excited for the inevitable sequel. And the three-hour runtime is stuffed with bits so worthless that this may be the only film where the improved director's cut is actually shorter than the original.

Holy emo bummer Batman, Batman!

April 22, 2022