Cinemavenger

   The funniest, nastiest movie reviews anywhere.

Spider-Man: Homecoming

Nothing is sacred, and no one is innocent.  You're born, you live, you die, and the universe couldn't give less of a fuck.  Everything is meaningless.  Well, except for the fact that . . .

This is Cinemavenger's 150th review, muthafuckas!!!

None of which will stop tidal waves of fanboys and other impressionable types from spending this weekend on the movie theater merry-go-round watching and re-watching Spider-Man: Homecoming.

We needed a new Spider-Man reboot because it's been, what, three years since the last one?  No radioactive spider-shit neither.  The past 15 years have seen Peter Parker age in reverse through three Sam "Ving" Raimi Spidey movies (one of which was pretty darn amazing and one of which is the Showgirls of superhero flicks), two Marc Webb "Head" outings and now John "Naomi" Watts' Homecoming.  At this rate, they're going to end up rebooting the Homecoming sequel during the movie and replacing Tom "Mr." Holland mid-swing with a 12-year-old tween who has to battle The Orthodontist and the Bar Mitzvah Bandit.

Audiences are going to eat up Spider-Man: Homecoming like it was their first pussy after prison.  The comic book nerds will ooh and ahh at fleeting references to Betty Brant, Mac Gargan's Scorpion, Electro and the Vulture (played by former Batman, Birdman and Beetlejuice, Michael "Alex P." Keaton).  Marvel Cinematic Universe geeks' Underoos will run white with precum before they even make it to their seats because Homecoming brings Spider-Man all the way into the MCU. 

The opening sequence shows Parker vlogging his part in Captain America: Civil War.  Tony Stark (Robert "Griffin III" Downey, Jr.) gifts Parker with a "multi-million dollar" spider suit complete with on-board Girl Friday, parachute and flying drone then shows up multiple times as Iron Man to save Spidey's ass when shit gets out of hand.  Parker and his high school pals watch educational videos featuring Captain America (Chris "Mt." Evans). 

It would all be great fun if it weren't for the niggling, little detail that SPIDER-MAN ALMOST GETS HUNDREDS IF NOT THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE KILLED BECAUSE HE SUCKS AT BEING A SUPERHERO!  It's one thing to show a young, newly transformed Peter Parker still learning to be Spider-Man.  It's another when he's directly and solely responsible for creating every mess in a movie of many, and each one of those messes puts John and Jane New York in mortal peril.

Spider-Man, Spider-Man, sucks corporate cock like no one can.

July 7, 2015