Cinemavenger

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Renfield

​Vampires didn't used to suck. I mean, they sucked blood, of course. And they've been sucking money out of people's pockets for books, movies, plays, and every other type of entertainment offering for more than 125 years. But they didn't suck like a kick in the nuts or a yeast infection.

Until now. Chalk it up to the fact that, on a long enough timeline, we mere mortals will find a way to fuck up just about anything. Cocaine becomes crack. Joyous marriages become hellish divorces. And sexy, cool vampires become whiny wimps or small-shoed clowns.

The Twilight movies were the first nail in the coffin. Those shimmery-skinned fucknuggets convinced an entire generation that vampires were sad, soft, lap dogs instead of the dangerous, seductive beasts they'd been up to then. Renfield takes it a step further and imagines Count Dracula himself as a codependent in need of some serious therapy.

In fairness, Drac ("Saint" Nicolas Cage) is more monster than moper. For the criminally little time he's actually on screen, he slaughters with glee, preens like an undead peacock, and schemes to be the most powerful being on Earth. His manservant, Renfield (Nicholas "Up To The" Hoult), on the other hand seeks out a support group to help him cope with his toxic relationship with his master.

Unlike past versions of the character, this Renfield is basically an insect-fueld superhero. After munching a moth, he could stand toe-to-toe with the likes of Captain America. Amidst his mostly-bungled attempts to find victims for Dracula, he falls in love with a local cop, Rebecca, played by Awkwafina like every other character Awkwafina has ever played. That chick has less range than a cheap walkie-talkie.

Speaking of no range, if you're a fan of Jean-Ralphio from Parks and Rec then you're in luck, because Ben "I See My Scwhartz Is Bigger Than Your" Schwartz does the same exact schtick here as a mob brat. I've literally never seen him play any other type of character, but he keeps getting work. I'm guessing he brings other "talents" to the casting couch.

More conflicted than its protagonist, Renfield swerves from lowbrow comedy to hyper-gory action flick every few minutes. Since Evil Dead 2, Sam Raimi has been using that approach to make some all-time classics. The director here, Chris McKay, is no Sam Raimi.

Dracula? More like Dragula.

July 21, 2023