Cinemavenger
The funniest, nastiest movie reviews anywhere.
Pan
It's tempting to say that the world needed another version of Peter Pan like Nicki Minaj needs a fatter ass, but if Pan had been awesome, or even Hook-level mediocre, rather than a world-class example of dumbfounding dumbfuckery, no one would be complaining. Unfortunately, Stupid and Idiotic fucked Dumb nearly to death, and the unholy result was Pan.
Aaaaaaaaannnnndd . . . it's an origin story. I can almost hear the cosmic conversation.
Hollywood: Let's do another Peter Pan movie!
The Universe: Really?
Hollywood: Totally! Known property. Built in fan base. It'll be like printing money.
The Universe: Don't you have a single new idea?
Hollywood: Nope. We'll remake it as an origin story. It'll kick off a whole new franchise!
The Universe: No thanks. We're good.
Hollywood: And because it'll be a trilogy at least, nothing important needs to happen in the first movie. We can save all the good stuff for later.
The Universe: You think you might be getting a little ahead of yourself?
Hollywood: Hey, Universe. Screw.
The Universe: Are you going to show any kind of love for the source material?
Hollywood: Hell no! We're gonna piss on it worse than a German porno.
The Universe: (sighs) Ok. Then will you at least make it fun?
Hollywood: Not a chance. Fun doesn't buy Malibu beach houses.
The Universe: Well, fuck.
And then Hollywood, in the form of director Joe "So Wrong It's" Wright, threw 15 different genres, plots and styles into the CinemaBlender 5000, and what oozed out was the technicolor diarrhea, the end-to-end "What the fuck?!" that is Pan.
The very first thing you hear in Pan is a voice-over desperately trying to justify the movie's existence. It fails.
Peter (Levi "Dennis" Miller) gets kidnapped from an orphanage during World War II by Blackbeard's crew, a bunch of bungee-jumping rejects from Cirque du Soleil.
When Peter arrives in Neverland, he's greeted by a throng of fairy-dust-digging slaves singing "Smells Like Teen Spirit." Did I mention Pan takes place during WWII? Soon after, these same slaves indulge in a round of the Ramones' "Bliztkrieg Bop." Because kids these days can't get enough Ramones.
The slaves mine the fairy dust so that Blackbeard (Hugh "Ass" Jackman) can freebase it to reverse the aging process.
Pan turns the Indians into a group of painstakingly multicultural "Natives" and their Indian princess leader, Tiger Lily, into a Bjork-looking sexpot played by the exceedingly Caucasian "Mickey" Rooney Mara.
James Hook (Garrett "Give Me Some" Hedlund), long before getting the title "Captain" or losing his hand to a croc, looks like young Indiana Jones, sounds like Yosemite Sam and becomes Peter's buddy, mentor and savior.
Like I said. End-to-fucking-end "What the fucking fuck?!" And for the record, I'm not making any of this shit up and I wasn't tripping balls when I saw Pan. I was, however, Barrie, Barrie disappointed.
October 11, 2015