Cinemavenger

   The funniest, nastiest movie reviews anywhere.

Krampus

Leave it to the Germans to put a Hitler twist on Xmas. 

"Zanta Claus iz too sveet und nice und varm und fuzzy.  Zis iz not zee German vay.  Nein!  At Christmastime vee need to scare zee children.  To make zem cry.  Ja!  Vee need ein Krampus!  Mach schnell!"

Krampus is the German Anti-Santa.  While Herr Kringle is out dropping off presents to all the nice kiddies, the horned, hooved demon Krampus is whipping the naughty ones with his trusty bundle of birch branches.

Or, if it's the Krampus in Krampus, first he sends a blizzard to isolate one particular family because they've lost their Xmas spirit.  Then he lets his minions - including some Gremlins-inspired gingerbread men (and no, I didn't see any tiny gingerbread penises, but it'll be a hot day at the North Pole before I call them "gingerbread people"), a kid-devouring Jack-in-the-box, a snow gopher and a bunch of "elves" wearing wooden masks - pick people off one by one slasher movie style.  Only then does Krampus . . . well . . . to be honest, he doesn't actually do much.  He stomps around and growls through British-bad teeth.  He drags some nasty looking chains behind him.  He's kind of a dick to Max (Emjay "Really?" Anthony), the closest thing the film has to a hero.

Aaaand, that's about it.  It's like if the shark in Jaws let a bunch of barracudas and piranhas do the bulk of the killing then showed up at the end to maybe bite a surfer dude's leg.

The one new thing Krampus brings to the theater is that, where in most horror movies you root for at least one of the hapless bastards to survive, in Krampus you can't wait for every single one of these annoying shitwits to take a snow nap.  Each character is more murder-worthy than the last.

Mom (Toni "Tony Tone" Collette) serves gravlax instead of turkey or ham at Xmas Eve dinner and pops Xanax like they were Pez.  Dad (Adam "Generic White Guy" Scott) is so bland he makes vanilla ice cream seem dangerous.  Uncle Howard (David "Is That Rob Corddry?" Koechner) is a gun-lovin' boor.  Aunt Linda (Allison "You Gots To Pay The" Tolman) is as passive-aggressive as she is big-boned.  Great Aunt Dorothy (Conchata "Perry" Ferrell) is a drunken bitch.  And the kids, to a one, make you wish beating children hadn't gone out of fashion.

A lot of folks - especially guys with waxed mustaches, trilby fetishes and extensive vinyl collections and girls with waxed mustache tattoos on their index fingers, beanies on their heads and non-prescription glasses on their pale faces – cry into their Yerba mates that "Creativity is dead!"

I’ve got a little secret for the hipster hordes.  That ain’t news to anybody but you, you narcissistic fucks.  Krampus, the legend, is big-red-bow-topped proof of that.  Even in olden times they couldn't think of a better Xmas bogeyman than dressing the devil up in a Santa suit.

Krampus is supposed to be the bad Santa.  Fuck Krampus.  Just watch Bad Santa. 

December 6, 2015