Cinemavenger

   The funniest, nastiest movie reviews anywhere.


Cinemark Cinemas
T-Shirt Hell
Punk Tacos HD Radio Station
ThinkGeek
The Chive

Jungle Cruise


​Last week's review featured Dwayne "Future President" Johnson, and with less planning than a shotgun wedding this week's review does, too. So let's call it what it is, a bona fide Rock Block. To enjoy it to its fullest, go ahead and rock this Rock Block out with your cock out. Our jam out with your clam out. You do you.


Disney isn't even fucking trying any more. And why should they? They own all the most profitable franchises, and people will line up like dogs at Pavlov's dinner bell to fork over the green to the Mouse House just about any time they release a new flick. Fucking sheep!


Still, with Jungle Cruise Disney just slapped some new paint onto its other theme-park-ride-based franchise, Pirates of the Caribbean, and didn't give even a single fuck about feeding the rats to the cats and the cats to the rats in hopes of getting the cat skins for nothing.


In 1916 England, a scientist, Dr. Lily Houghton (Emily Blunt "Object"), tries to convince other scientists that the fabled Tears of the Moon tree in South America will keep England on top of the imperialism game with its mysterious power to cure disease and lift curses. Because she has a vagina - and not at all because her theory sounds batshit crazy - the other scientists tell her to go screw, so she decides to quest for the tree on her own.


When she arrives at the Amazon River, she hires boat captain Frank Wolff (Johnson) to take her on a . . . jungle cruise . . . to try to find the magic tree. Other than being steroidally jacked, Wolff's only other defining trait is that he's never met a pun too dumb to pass his lips. It's o-pun season for bad jokes.


Without spoiling anything, trust me when I tell you that Jungle Cruise follows the exact same storylines - beat for beat - as Pirates of the Caribbean. And no, substituting conquistadors for pirates and a river for the ocean doesn't count as putting even the tiniest bit of effort into this jackassery.


From start to finish, Jungle Cruise is on cruise control, and not even the Rock or Blunt can save it from sucking more than quicksand.


December 10, 2021