Cinemavenger

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Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle

They say it's a myth that Hollywood is run by Jews, but you don't have to be Robert Langdon to decipher the not-so-hidden proof in the title of Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle that, in fact, it really is.

Jumanji.  From the Latin "Ju" meaning Hebrew and "Manji" meaning to eat.  Therefore, "Jumanji" translates into, "The Jews gotta eat."  And that seems like the only reason this seboot - that's sequel + reboot - got made.  Well, that and the studio needing to shit out something with the Jumanji name on it before its ownership rights expired.

With this being New Year's week, every other motherfucker is putting out a year-end list.  In that spirit, and because Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle is so utterly forgettable that try as I might I can't remember a nit's tit about it, here's a list of the top three ways in which the movie sucks harder than a lamprey.

1.  It's not half as good as the original.  1995's Jumanji was no classic, but the new one makes it look like Citizen fucking Kane.  And the Rock is no Robin Williams.

2.  It plays like a Breakfast Club safari.  A geek, a jock, a popular chick and an outsider chick get sucked into a virtual jungle.  And learn that they're not so different after all.  While dodging hippopotami.  Fuck you, you fucking fucks!

3.  It's more hypocritical than a Nazi complaining about unfair treatment.  The director, stars, etc. all made a huge fucking deal about explaining all the reasons why the skimpy outfit Karen "Fish Be" Gillan's character wears isn't sexist.  Then they proceeded to camera fuck her the entire movie.  Her ass and tits get more screen time than most of the other characters.

With any luck, it'll be another couple of decades before the next Jumanji leaps out of the bushes and sprays us with its musk.

December 29, 2017