Cinemavenger
The funniest, nastiest movie reviews anywhere.
Jason X
In honor of a Friday the 13th falling just a couple of weeks before the slutacular (formerly spooktacular) celebration of all things creepy, crawly, and excessively horny that is 'Murican Halloween, your ol' pal Cinemavenger is going to do something that's never been done before in the nine-plus years this site has been pumping out wildly inappropriate, borderline abusive movie reviews. We're gonna review a Friday the 13th flick. Specifically the 10th movie in the franchise, Jason X.
After he got a taste for Puritan-approved bloodletting and his iconic hockey mask in the first couple of movies, Jason Vorhees - and the movie series he starred in - started losing their way. It was the 80s after all, so the writers and producers were probably thinking "daddy needs more coke cash" first and "make good movies" second. Or maybe fifth. They were so desperate for ideas that they eventually sent the mute, murderous, man-mountain to Manhattan and then to literal hell, and each movie was worse than the one before it.
Until, that is, Jason X, or as many people call it, Jason in Space. That's right, after being cryogenically frozen for 450 years, Jason gets found by a group of students on a field trip to old, dead Earth. Their greedy professor brings Jason onboard their ship, and faster than you can say "teenagers fucking" Jason is thawed out and killing like it was 1989.
He actually hacks off his first limb while he's still frozen solid, and that's when you know this isn't your weird uncle's Friday the 13th. Director James "Never Heard From Before Or Since" Isaac leaned all the way into the absurd humor of Jason in space, and that decision ended up making Jason X way more fun to watch then almost every other movie in the series.
The students, who might as well by counselors at Camp Crystal Lake., are joined by a hot chick android, some space marines, and a bunch of plot-convenient nanobots. Toward the end, the android gets a dominatrix kick-murderer upgrade to face off against a reconstituted cyber Jason 2.0. One-liners get dropped like leaves in October. And Jason uses one topless camper in a sleeping bag to bash another topless camper to death in a hilarious holodeck moment.
Jason X is what happens when saying "fuck it" actually works out.
October 13, 2023