Jason Bourne
Bourne. Again?
No fucking thank you. If I absolutely had to, I guess I'd choose the other kind. You know, the one where Jesus goes balls deep in you until you agree to go steady with him? That is how it works, right?
Keeping with the religious theme, in the beginning there was The Bourne Identity, and it didn't suck donkey schlong. It begat The Bourne Supremacy which begat The Bourne Ultimatum. After Ultimatum, star Matt "Speed" Damon swore he was done playing the world's poutiest super spy saying, "We have ridden that horse as far as we can. For me, I kind of feel the story that we set out to tell has now been told."
Yeah, right. Nine years and one non-Damon Bourne flick later, Director Paul "Epilepsy Cam" Greengrass and Damon have gone back to the well to make Jason Bourne. People are ragging on the title for being as creative as preschool macaroni art, but it's not like they could call it what it really is, The Bourne Paycheck.
Eat a dick, Damon and Greengrass! You fucking hypocrites! Sure, you're not alone. Hypocrisy is as American as smallpox blankets. Republicans want to ban abortion but can't get enough capital punishment. The Democrats preach fairness and transparency while secretly rigging the primaries for Hillary. And beyond The Bourne Flip Flop, Damon's made a shitload of money off of bang-bang shoot-em-ups and has armed security goons to protect him and his family, but he's begging the U.S. government to confiscate guns from its citizens. The non-movie star ones, at least.
Jason Bourne isn't a remake, a reboot or a reimagining. It's a remix. Just like in the first three, the rogue Bourne wants info. from his former masters at the CIA, so he pops back up on their radar. One old CIA guy (Tommy "Shout At The Devil" Lee Jones) and one younger CIA chick (Alicia "The Accent Wrestler" Vikander) use a global network of satellites and human "assets" to go after Bourne. There are a couple of car chases and shootouts. Bourne runs around a lot and outsmarts everyone, mostly by total blind-ass luck. The end.
Even though Greengrass is the most veteran of Bourne veterans, he still makes some "What's a movie?" amateur mistakes in Jason Bourne. Bourne, the man the CIA has a John Holmes hard-on for, travels from Greece to Germany to England without being spotted. The CIA's best undercover agents walk down crowded streets talking loudly into their sleeves instead of, I don't know, pretending to talk into fucking cell phones. And an armored SWAT truck plows through dozens of cars and SUVs without so much as slowing down or denting a fender, but when it drives into a casino a few slot machines stop it dead in its tracks.
One good thing about Damon, though. At least he's not Ben Affleck.
July 31, 2016