Cinemavenger

   The funniest, nastiest movie reviews anywhere.

It Comes at Night

If you're the kind of person who embraces labels like "libtard" and "cuntservative," who thinks James Patterson is an amazing author or who believes that watching Survivor will hone your actual survival skills, It Comes at Night is the flick for you.  It will make even your dumb ass feel like a Mensa member as you shuffle, drooling and grunting, out of the theater.

Because It Comes at Night is an A24 "independent" post-apocalypse movie featuring characters that seem like they're smarter than the mouth-breathers who are forever splitting up and walking backwards in the dark in big budget horror movies.  The only problem is that it's the illusion of intelligence.  In reality, dad Paul ("Billy" Joel Edgerton), mom Sarah (Carmen "San Diego" Ejogo) and son Travis (Kelvin "Scale" Harrison, Jr.) are bigger dolts than any of the horny teens Jason has macheted or Freddy has fingered.

Like the prudiest prude, It Comes at Night refuses to give up the goods about its world-ending plague.  Watch the whole fucking movie - I dare ya - and you still won't know what caused the plague, how long it's been going on, how many people have died, how it's transmitted or whether there's a cure.  All we know is that Paul, Sarah and Travis - along with Sarah's dad and his dog - are holed up in a house in the woods.  They have food, water, guns and, most importantly, miles between them and any other humans.

So, of course, after they stop a shotgun-wielding stranger from breaking into their sanctuary they invite him, his woman and their kid (Christopher "Bud" Abbot, Riley "Reid" Keough and Griffin "Door" Robert Faulkner) to move in.  Everybody trusts each other immediately.  The two families coexist in perfect peace and harmony bumper sticker-style.  No one gets infected, and nothing bad happens.  And if you believe that I've got some Enron stock I'll sell you cheap.  Meet me at the Blockbuster Video if you're interested.

Director Trey Edward "Charles" Shults manages exactly one scene of real tension, and it's about who opened The Door That Should Always Be Locked.  Then he drops the idea completely and never answers the question.  Nice work, shitheel.

In addition to having a porn parody title as its actual title (and the fact that there is no "it" that comes at night or any other fucking time), It Comes at Night is the feel bad movie of the year.  I've been to happier funerals.  I've seen snuff films more uplifting.

Excuse me while I puke and die.

June 16, 2017