Incredibles 2
Like a 16-year-old taking his first trip down the Straits of Her Cooze, this week's review is comin' early.
Which is more than you can say for Incredibles 2. It took 14 years for Pixar to scribble a second Incredibles. That's so incredibly (ha!) long the director and cast actually apologize before the movie starts. Right there. On screen. For reference, it's taken your friendly, neighborhood Cinemavenger less than four years to handcraft 200 of the ass-kickingest movie reviews of all time. That's right, welcome to . . .
Cinemavenger's 200th Review Fuckstravaganza!
Even after the 14 years overdue apology, Pixar delays Incredibles 2 another eight minutes with the short film, Bao, a heartwarming tale of incestuous cannibalism that's also a thinly-veiled threat of Chinese world domination. Given that Bao centers on an anthropomorphic dumpling child, whoever didn't title it Bao Bao Baby and outfit it with an Asian-inflected Janis Joplin score should be dunked in soy sauce, rolled in bread crumbs and fed to some koi.
Though the clamor for another Incredibles flick hasn't exactly been deafening over the past 14 years - it's been fucking crickets, truth be told - all you fans who now claim you've been dying for a sequel can fuck the shut up. Because with Incredibles 2 more of the same is the name of the game. Superheroes are still illegal. Mr. Incredible (Craig T "Half" Nelson) is still in a funk, now because he has to Mr. Mom it while his wife, Elastigirl (Holly "Jolly" Hunter), she of the mom-adored trucker hips, is out zap, pow, kranging to make the family's bacon.
Frozone (Samuel L. "Michael" Jackson) again pops up a few times to save everyone while visibly - which is nuts considering he's animated - having to restrain himself from calling everybody a motherfucker and shouting, "Do they speak Blammo! in What?!" Violet (Sarah "I'd Like To Buy A" Vowel) and Dash (Huck "And Tom" Milner) are still self-centered, little jackholes. And baby Jack Jack (Eli "Like A Rug" Fucile) still has one too many names and a dozen too many super powers.
For a kids' movie, the young'uns in the theater were pretty fucking quiet. The parents, on the other hand, couldn't stop laughing at all the new math and exhaustion gags that fill this two-hour pat on the back for shitty parents everywhere. Fucking incredible.
June 29, 2018