Cinemavenger

   The funniest, nastiest movie reviews anywhere.

Hotel Artemis

How is the sky not black from the acrid smoke of 10,000 movie theaters burnt to the ground by Political Correctness Death Squads honked the fuck off by Hotel Artemis?  Jodie "It's Australian For Beer" Foster's character is a female doctor in charge of a members-only, underground hospital for criminals, and for the entire movie everyone calls her "Nurse."  All you PC shitlickers are asleep at the wheel.

In this John Wick meets General Hospital, a handful of robbers, assassins, kingpins and arms dealers find themselves in need of off-the-books medical attention during "the most violent riot in the history of Los Angeles."  Stuff happens.  People die.  Assholes get their comeuppances.  And you'll be asleep before the first kill thanks to first-time feature director "Not Dr." Drew Pearce's tapioca-flavorless directing style.  You can tell Pearce is aiming for a John Carpenter vibe, but what he hits is more Karen Carpenter . . . circa February 5, 1983.

Pearce couldn't have fucked Hotel Artemis up more if he had two PhDs in the science of up-fucking and was double-wielding .50 cal FuckUpmatics after downing an entire jug of Uncle FuckUp's Fuck-You-Up Fuckshine.

The secret hospital for lowlifes has an enormous, neon "Hotel Artemis" sign on its roof.  It's a hospital but is called a hotel.  There's only one doctor, a cliche old, drunk sawbones haunted by her past.  It has one orderly.  The two of them are the entire staff.  The crime boss owner of the place gets no special privileges when he shows up shot.

The huge riot is caused by the Tank Girl-esque evil water corporation shutting off water to the entire city . . . a plot point that connects with nothing and isn't mentioned again after the halfway mark.  There's a subplot about the Nurse fixing up a wounded cop who just happens to have a connection to the Nurse from their shared past.  Nurse patches up cop.  Cop leaves.  Effect on story:  none.

What do Trump's North Korea deal and Hotel Artemis have in common?  They're both more full of bullshit than a constipated Brahma.

June 15, 2018