Cinemavenger
The funniest, nastiest movie reviews anywhere.
Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2
Well fuck a (Howard the) duck! It won't be ebolAIDS, global warming or the rise of the machines that kills all humans, it'll be Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2. What an oddly ironic way to go.
You see, Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 features the song "Father and Son" during a pivotal, emotionally-charged scene and thus introduces a whole new generation to Cat Stevens. Faster than you can Mona Bone your Jakon, Stevens will become a Bieber-like god to the young and stupid. When they find out that Stevens threw away his musical stardom, turned his back on America and converted to Islam, the Peace Train is going to fly off the tracks. Millions of Millennials will See the Light, Get Them a Gun and start some serious Trouble by following Yusuf Islam (yes, the artist formerly known as Cat Stevens is now called Yusuf Islam). This will embolden ISIS and the rest of the jihadi jerkoffs. The U.S. will finally have to nuke the Middle East, Russia and China won't be able to keep their fingers off their buttons and humanity will fade Into White.
Thanks, Marvel. You assholes.
The sequel to the surprise, mega-grossing, smash hit of 2014 - and Cinemavenger's very first review, ah memories - Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 is mostly more of the same. Seriously, like 75% recycled material. Which means Pavlov's audiences will lap it up like the flea-bitten dogs they are, and it will make a quadrillion dollars.
Star-Lord a/k/a Peter Quill (Chris "Fuck! Even Cinemavenger Loves This Guy" Pratt) is the hunky goofball with daddy issues. Gamora (Zoe "Sardonic" Saldana) is the avocado-colored space ninja Star-Lord is crushing on. Drax (Dave "Avoid The Roids" Bautista) is the team's gruff but giggly goon. Rocket (Bradley "Fly Eagles Fly" Cooper) is a surly trash panda. Groot (Vin "Fill Her Up With" Diesel) is now six or so inches tall in "Baby Groot" form, which means that he's fully CGI and the three words he speaks are totally synthesized, so if Marvel gave Diesel more than a pack of gum for doing GotGV2 they got ripped the fuck off.
The usual suspects are joined by maybe-Star-Lord's-dad, Ego (Kurt "Big Trouble In Little" Russell), Gamora's murderous cyborg sis, Nebula (Karen "NTSF:SD:SUV" Gillan), and Ravager/Quill's erstwhile mentor, Yondu (Michael Rooker "I Hardly Know Her").
Most of Star-Lord's screen time is spent figuring out whether to call Ego "papa." He does pause his paternal pursuits for a bit of will-they-won't-they with Gamora, but given how strong GotGV2 shows Gamora to be, he'd better hope they never get together because the first time they enter the Bone Zone her Hulk cooch is going to rip his puny human dick clean off.
Rocket's a prick. Drax is, surprisingly, a bigger prick. Groot spawns Lucas levels of merchandising opportunities. And best of all, my boy Ben "Farscape" Browder gets a fleeting cameo.
Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2. It's all fun and games until the radical Muslims get uppity.
May 5, 2017