Cinemavenger
The funniest, nastiest movie reviews anywhere.
F9: The Fast Saga
Have you ever seen Idiocracy? Imma review that mufucka one day. Until then, trust me when I say that its opening sequence illustrates Michelangelo-style why people are getting exponentially dumber. If you don't believe that the stupidification of the world is more real and scarier than any "based on a true story" horror flick, then you were probably first in line to see F9: The Fast Saga.
The latest in the literally incredibly successful vroom-vroom-punch-bang-FAMILY! franchise, F9 starts off by showing young Dominic Toretto and his brother, Jakob, working pit crew for their dad. Daddy's V8 swan song takes a crowbar to the bros, a two sentence story told over the course of about 30 minutes of flashbacks that pad F9 more than a decade's worth of truck stop fast food.
After starting out as small time hijackers and street racers in the first movie way back in '01, Dom (Vin "Cent Van Nope" Diesel), Letty (Michelle "Hot" Rodriguez), and the rest of the crew - well, those who haven't sped off to the big car show in the sky - have become nigh invincible, freelance super spies. Dom and Letty have a kid now, so they start this movie off retired from the game. Which lasts all of one scene, as if there were any doubt.
Because all the trained soldiers, spies, mercenaries, CIA agents, and career criminals were apparently busy, "the government" enlists Dom, Letty, Roman ("Neck" Tyrese), Tej ("Yes This Is All" Ludacris), Ramsey (Nathalie "Rahm" Emmanuel), and to a lesser degree Mia (Jordana "Punky" Brewster) to recover Ares, a weapon of technological mass destruction.
In a series that has elevated the word "family" from concept to theosophy to running joke, is it any wonder that Ares has been stolen by Dom's own. long-lost brother? And is it surprising that, having spun The Rock off because he and Diesel hate each other more than Chevy lovers hate Fords, the producers brought in the other "It Guy" musclehead of the moment, John "It's Spanish For Dinner" Cena, to play Jakob? Nope and fuck nope.
From the first one on, these movies have been absolute shit, but with F9 everyone involved officially no longer gives the fleetingest of fucks. Physics doesn't exist. Death isn't permanent. And magnets are magic.
But cars go boom, and that's enough for all the gasshole fans.
October 1, 2021