Cinemavenger

   The funniest, nastiest movie reviews anywhere.

Deep Blue Sea and Deep Blue Sea 2

Even dumbass Hollywood was smart enough to realize that nothing could compete with Avengers: Infinity War.  The biggest release from Tinseltown the next two weeks will be a Harvey Weinstein happy ending at the Fuk Mai Life massage parlor.

As there are no new grande openings to review, welcome to the first ever Cinemavenger double feature.  Of two creature features.  And one's a sequel to the other.  That's right, it's a Cinemavenger Double Creature Feature Sequel Feature!

If imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, then Jaws is the flatteredest mufucka around.  It got four increasingly chumtastic sequels of its own, and there are more knockoffs of it than there are fish in the sea.  Killer whales, piranhas, crocodiles, alligators and, of course, pretty much every species of shark has gotten the Jaws treatment.  In 1999's Deep Blue Sea, CGI mako sharks took over for the robot great white, Bruce, as the toothy trigger men of the deep. 

At a secret, open ocean lab, a scientist (Saffron "William S." Burrows) has used genetic engineering to supersize some makos in an attempt to cure Alzheimer's disease.  The project is funded by a Branson-esque billionaire played by Samuel L. "Andrew" Jackson.  A side effect of the gene-tinkering makes the sharks hella smart, and in a bid for freedom they take down the scientists, shark wranglers, cooks (LL Cool "Ranch" J), radio operators and, yes, even Jackson himself.  Jackson's death is one of the all-time greatest, WTF?! sayonaras not just in his film career but, dare I say, in movie history.  Deep Blue Sea is the guiltiest of pleasures, and it deserves its status as a B-movie booyah.

This year's much belated sequel, Deep Blue Sea 2, is less wanted than a prom night toilet baby.  It's so bad not even Netflix would release it.  It's straight-to-video in the post-video store era, which says it all.  With a no-name cast, a nonexistent budget and all the inspiration of court-ordered couples counseling, Deep Blue Sea 2 even manages to fuck up the bits it steals directly from the original.  It may feature bull sharks instead of makos, but the only bull it'll be remembered for is of the shit variety.

May 4, 2018

Deep Blue Sea

Deep Blue Sea 2