Cinemavenger
The funniest, nastiest movie reviews anywhere.
Creed III
Yo Adrian! Hows come I'm not in this Rocky series-sequel-sequel? I mean, not for nothin', but I'm Rocky. You know, Apollo Creed and I were best friends, and these Creed movies wouldn't even exist without him and me. So I'm a little confusulated about the happenings that wound up with me getting kicked to the curb like a bum. Like a bum, I tells ya!
That's right, after Sylvester "King of Mumblecore" Stallone had to pawn his dog while sticking to his guns that he wouldn't sell the Rocky script he wrote over a long weekend to any studio unless they let him star in it then built one of the most iconic film franchises in history, one that he gave his blessing to use to launch a sequel series of Creed movies, the Hollywood machine cuts him out of Creed III entirely.
That is some seriously weak-ass shit. Especially when the makers of Creed III bit on the plots from the first few Rocky movies harder than a gator on a toddler at Disney World. What, too soon? Instead of trying to think of anything new to say or do, they recycle the whole "unranked, unknown boxer miraculously gets to fight the champ for a shot at the title" and "dethroned champ digs deep to get his title back" jawns with the only new wrinkle being that the two guys actually knew each other back when they were kids.
That's right. Adonis Creed (Michael B. "Good" Jordan) and Damian Anderson (Jonathan "Lee" Majors) were in the system together as kids. Damian was a few years older and a promising boxer until he got pinched by the po-po and did a long stretch upstate. While Damian was away, Adonis got to play, and WITH ROCKY'S HELP eventually became a champion.
When Damian gets out of prison, Adonis offers to help him try to restart his boxing career. Even when Damian shows that he's not a motherfucker to be trusted, Adonis keeps trusting the motherfucker. Things keep escalating, a side character dies, because - again - these fuckers can't conceive of anything that wasn't already done in a Rocky flick, and eventually Adonis and Damian actually box.
Their big fight is somehow both too long and too short. It's super-stylized and lacks the muscular impact of any of the Italian Stallion's matches. The boyz n the hood may be hard, but these boyz n the ring ain't pullin' anyone's card.
August 11, 2023