Cinemavenger

   The funniest, nastiest movie reviews anywhere.

Charlie's Angels

Chicks.  Am I right?  Seriously though, Cinemavenger is a true feminist, a champion of equal rights.  That's why I always let broads open doors for me, pull my chair out at dinner, rake the leaves, shovel the snow, take out the garbage, and pay for at least half of any meal, movie, etc.  Ha!

Elizabeth "River" Banks has been a favorite since Wet Hot American Summer.  She's an intelligent, hilarious, scorchingly hot woman who makes people (among other things) stand up and pay attention.  She wrote, directed, and co-stars in the latest remake of Charlie's Angels, and her version wants more than anything - like more than an 80% off sale at Ulta - to take back the sexist 1970s TV show for the wymyn.

Banks' Angels got its wings clipped at the box office.  In fact, it couldn't even get the box office to answer its 3AM drunk text offering up its every hole for five minutes of cuddling.  Banks blamed society, specifically that men can't handle strong female leads in action movies.  Ellen Ripley and (young) Sarah Connor would beg to differ. 

Listen, sugar tits, I hate to have to mansplain it to you, but you're way the fuck off base.  The reason your XX baby was stillborn is because it's more boring than listening to some cooze whinge about a coworker stealing her Activia.  When it isn't boring the pants onto its audience, it's full of lazy writing (like the teary "Don't die!" scene between two people who are basically strangers) and twists that are so telegraphed they'd give Alexander Graham Bell a utility pole-sized hard on.

Worst of all, by playing the sexism card to try to get the low tide pussy stench off of this bloody tampon of a flick, Banks undermines the completely valid and pivotal issue of the pervasiveness of sexism even in 2019.  C'mon (wo)man!

For the millions of you who think that Kristen "Blank Stare" Stewart can't act based on the Twilight movies, prepare to eat undead crow.  Stewart is easily the best thing about Charlie's Angels.  She's funny and cool and, of course, sexy.  She and Patrick "Picard" Stewart are pretty much the only reasons this thing didn't go straight to streaming.  It really is the Stewart and Stewart show.  Everything else is more forgettable than whatever my girlfriend was bitching about this morning.

November 22, 2019