Cinemavenger

   The funniest, nastiest movie reviews anywhere.

Basic Instinct

You heard it here first. The two best titles for a new, Bruce Willis Die Hard movie are Die Hard 6: Die Hardest and Old Habits Die Hard. 

Speaking of old things, have you seen the early 90s murder mystery/softcore porn, Basic Instinct, aka The Beaver Shot Heard 'Round the World?  If you haven't, you gots to check it out.  It's a two-hour time machine trip to a simpler, sexier, pre-Instasnapbook time when a woman admitting she liked to fuck was flabbergastingly scandalous.  If you've seen it, you could do worse - what with all the time on your hands thanks to Beer Flu - than to watch it again.  That shit has held up surprisingly well.  Way better than either of its stars, Michael "Frederick" Douglas and Sharon "Is Waiting For You On Tinder" Stone.

Writer Joe "Dirty Old Man" Eszterhas has got to be hornier than pack of rhinos.  He's never met a story he didn't want to fuck.  After the Stallone flick F.I.S.T (ok, not actually about fisting) and Basic Instinct, Sexzerhas bukkaked the world with one of the skankiest odes to tits and ass ever, Showgirls, before combining assassinations with ass-fucking in Jade. 

Big Joe, ably abetted by director Paul "Giant Alien Pussy Face" Verhoeven, doesn't waste any, and I mean any time getting to the sex-and-death good bits in Basic Instinct.  The first scene starts with some vanilla fucking, moves onto bondage, and ends with a dude getting ice-picked.  From there, Basic Instinct goes full Caligula with rough sex, bisex, and is-this-bitch-gonna-kill-me-while-we're-having sex.

Could the murderer be Catherine Tramell (Stone), the fuck buddy of the dead guy . . . who also happens to be the brilliantly devious author of a novel in which that exact scene plays out?  Alcoholic, widowed, druggie, possibly killer cop (is that all the cop stereotypes? yup), Nick Curran (Douglas), is on the case and in the pants of not only Tramell but his ex-girlfriend/current psychologist (what the malpractice fuck?) played by sneaky sexy "Mean" Jeanne Tripplehorn.

The famous interrogation scene beaver shot, a couple of steep San Francisco streets car chases, and Douglas rockin' a deep V later, the crazy-ass plot busts its nut, and you'll probably be wanting to bust one of your own.

April 17, 2020