Cinemavenger

   The funniest, nastiest movie reviews anywhere.

Avengers: Endgame

How the fuck does Hawkeye (Jeremy "Road" Renner) make it through Avengers: Endgame without anyone calling him "Mohawkeye?"  His truck stop parking lot mohawk is more distracting than naked titties in church.

While Hawkeye's hairstylist should arguably be on the top of his kill list, we all know that he and the rest of the Avengers are going after Thanos (Josh "Bro" Brolin) who, in the last Avengers movie, killed off half of the people in the universe with a snap of his Infinity Gauntleted fingers.

With the help of deus ex foxina Captain Marvel (Brie "Gary" Larson), the team finds the now Farmer Thanos pretty quickly and - not really a spoiler at all - kill him.  The only problem is, Thanos had already destroyed the Infinity Stones, so the Avengers (and Guardians, and Wakandans, etc.) spend the rest of this three-hour-plus movie trying to figure out how to travel through time to get the stones before they were destroyed, which won't stop Thanos' big snap but which will . . . somehow . . . help undo it.  Because fuck Back to the Future and every other time travel movie.

Avengers: Endgame is the slowest . . . victory lap . . . ever.  It takes its sweet ass time getting to killing off the characters whose actors' contracts are up.  On the way, it literally revisits scenes from a bunch of the movies that led up to it.  Other than Hawkeye's blowhawk, there really isn't much new under the Marvel sun.  We do get Professor Hulk, a Hulk/Banner hybrid that's one of the best things in the flick.  And we get a beer gut-sporting, bathrobe-wearing Thorbowski, which is the actual best thing.

With all the deep cut comics references, fanboys will have to fight to keep from nerdgasming all over themselves and the unfortunate folks sitting in front of them.  The Hulk gets pissed that he's too big to ride the elevator and has to take the stairs - even though he could just as easily jump out a window and take the gravity express to the ground floor.  Captain America says, "Hail Hydra."  He also wields Thor's hammer - even though he tried but couldn't even pick it up in Age of Ultron.

'Nuff said.

May 3, 2019