Cinemavenger

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Ant-Man and the Wasp: Quantumania

Gather 'round, chilluns, because yer ol' grandpappy Cinemavenger is gonna tell you a tale. Believe it or don't, there was a time not so many years ago when DC owned the big screen. Their Superman and Batman movies printed money. At the same time, Marvel was stutterin' and sputterin' as it puked up one shitty flick after another.

Back then, you'd have been laughed out of the opium den if you'd even hinted at the chance that you could possibly conceive of a world in which Marvel dominated the box office. But, of course, that's exactly what happened, and now the Marvel Cinematic Universe (MCU) has made DC its bitch in every way except actual prison rape.

Maybe it's all my dragon chasin' of late, but I ain't afeard to read dem chicken bones and go all Nostradamus on yo' asses. Phase Four of the MCU hinted more obviously than the older couple at the end of the hotel bar sending you drinks and flirty looks all night that trouble was a-brewin'. And now the kickoff of Phase Five, Ant-Man and the Wasp: Quantumania, turns conjecture into conviction that the pendulum's already a-swingin'.

That's right. You heard it here first. Give it another five to ten years and the comic book movie poles will've shifted back to where DC rules the roost, and Marvel is once again the Lizzo-sized butt of all the jokes. Bet the farm, your stamp collection, and your granny's panties on it. How can I be so sure? Well . . . 

Quantumania can only happen because Janet (Michelle "Pfied" Pfeiffer) refuses to tell her family what actually happened during the decades she was trapped in the Quantum Realm. You see, when she said she was alone all those years, what she meant was there is an entire universe down there full of different races of people, vast cities, and sex with Bill Murray. Oh, and there's a big baddie called Kang (Jonathan "Lee" Majors). That's some reeky storytelling right there.

Ant-Man (Paul "E. Shore" Rudd), his alleged girlfriend with zero chemistry and a horrible haircut, Hope (Evangeline "Day" Lilly), his daughter, Cassie (Kathryn "Fig" Newton), Hank (Michael "Paycheck" Douglas), and Janet get pulled into the Quantum Realm and have to deal with Kang. It's a CGI tornado, and it's laughably bad.

O, how Earth's mightiest heroes have fallen.

May 26, 2023