Cinemavenger

   The funniest, nastiest movie reviews anywhere.

A Quiet Place

If listening to other people's bodily functions gets you off, drop that parabolic mic you're pointing at those Porta Potties and get your ass to A Quiet Place.  Aside from 20 lines of dialogue, a little music and a few screams, A Quiet Place might as well be a silent movie, which leaves you free to savor each and every one of your fellow moviegoers' coughs, sneezes, sighs, popcorn chomps and farts.

Speaking of farts, how do you make a movie about people having to stay super quiet because even the slightest noise brings swift, brutal death and not include at least one fart joke?  For fart's sake, a little diarrhea would be a death sentence!  Dude sits down on a toilet.  Pffbt!  His eyes go wider than his asshole as an alien crashes through the bathroom door.  Aaaaannd . . . he's dead.  Ha!

A Quiet Place starts a few months after the Earth is invaded by creatures that look like Jack Skellington fucked one of the "bugs" from Starship Troopers.  The aliens are blind, but their hearing is better than your pissed off mom's when you mutter some sarcastic shit under your breath.  If the aliens hear even the peepiest of peeps, they appear out of nowhere and start giving muthafuckas the short goodbye.

In a world where a single queef spells instant death, you know what the absolute last thing you need is?  A baby.  Babies cry.  Uncontrollably.  Like, all the time.  And yet, despite having two perfectly good kids - well, one is deaf and the other is a little pussy - Lee (John "Boy" Krasinksi) and Evelyn (Emily Blunt "Force Trauma") decide that it's the perfect time to expand their family.  And that's not even close to the dumbest thing these idrons do as they're allegedly trying to survive.

But hey, who am I to argue with 95% fresh on Rotten Tomatoes and every other shitheel I meet telling me how amazing A Quiet Place is?  Joke 'em if they can't take a fuck.  I'm going to make a first person, POV biopic about Helen Keller.  It's gonna be 90 minutes of a black screen and total silence.  Oscar potential = huge.  Budget = $0.  Profits = 100%.  Fuck yeah!

April 20, 2018