Cinemavenger

   The funniest, nastiest movie reviews anywhere.

6 Underground

6 Underground is a movie in the same way that an epileptic fit is dancing, pizza rolls are a Lou Malnati's Chicago-style deep dish, or a gang rape is an act of tender lovemaking.

Even grading on the Michael "Old" Bay curve, 6 Underground fails to tick any of the boxes you'd associate with the idea of a movie.  Fuck ticking the boxes!  6 Underground forgot there was a goddamn test.  It's still in the parking lot, in the back seat of a rusted-out Ford Festiva, getting high on shitty ditch weed and playing an air guitar solo to "Sister Christian."

Movies have stories, right?  Whatever the fuck 6 Underground is has never heard the word.  A shadowy billionaire (Ryan "Really?!" Reynolds) lives out his A-Team fantasy by recruiting a spy, a hitman, a doctor, a guy who drives real good, and a parkour dude (because parkour is so hip and now . . . said 2004).  The billionaire wants to make the world a better place by killing a shit ton of its innocent bystanders on his way to taking out a Middle Eastern dictator.

This bargain bin Batman and his shat pack fake their own deaths so that they can be "ghosts."  You know, until they get their picture taken by any of the billion cameras they happen by before, during, and after they go all explodey-bonkers-tits in multiple cities.  Seriously, cars and other shit just randomly explode.  No cause, no effect.  And no shot longer than two seconds.  That's the Bay way, motherfuckers!

Nobody expects fine fucking art from Bay, but c'mon man!  Does he really have to eat week old Indian food right before gobbling a box of laxatives and projectile shitting all over the screen?  Light a match, you fucking hack!  And that's from someone who sees the Walmart freak show beauty in Armageddon.

Sexy saints be praised that it's not another unholy Transformers flick, and at least Bay is destroying the small screen rather than the big one this time around.  Fuck you very much, Netflix.  Way to live down to your reputation for throwing money at anything short of a snuff film or straight up porn.

Ryan, if you need money this badly (and how the fuck could you after Deadpool?), start giving $5 blowjobs in a back alley.  That'd be way more dignified than starring in shitassery like this.

January 10, 2020